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Come Undone

October 12, 2008

Rambling fiction that doesn’t make full sense now. Written in late 2007. 

In different phases of life, there are always those few people I looked up to, spent eternities with and wished they’d never go away. But mostly, they did. And that’s the good stuff. In retrospect, I see that I’ve changed a tiny bit over each phase. May be, and I can never know for sure, as I changed, I couldn’t have retained that feeling of comradeship with the same intensity. So I guess, this is good – just the perfect memories and occasional phone calls.

The weather today was strange and erratic. It reminded me of the monsoon evenings of 2005, when you and I spent hours at various city cafes, having fudge brownies with whipped cream and vanilla ice-cream. The after-class trysts at 2100. It’s curious that I don’t look upon you with much interest now. I don’t think I did even in the past. But we were bound by a strange chord, that condemned us together. Those months – August to November, I think – you were good company and much fun. Somehow, nowadays, you wallow in pools of your own frustrated thoughts and futilely bang your head against invisible walls of your own making. What have you done? After identifying all that is wrong with your life, you are helpless and unable to set things right. These are thoughts of a few months ago. Gradually our IMs grew less personal, more routine, shorter and eventually, non-existent. From someone I liked and could have good conversation with, you became someone I looked down upon for how you had let yourself be abased in your own eyes. I’d traversed the like-hate circle twice fully.

As we spent more time together, mostly in conversations about people, relationships, philosophy and music, I realized that I was big part of your life. In contrast, you were any other mundane part of my life. I spent as much time with many other people, but you only with me. There were no romantic undertones to our relationship. At least not from my side. I was to discover that there was much more from yours. Do you remember that cold evening? You were particularly agitated and spoke at length of your freshly ended bitter relationship. I remember being faintly amused when you told me that the girl in question was intensely jealous of the time you spent with me. That she held me responsible for the whole affair. For my part, I couldn’t care less. 

That one evening left me with an unsavoury feeling. After that, we talked, but not as often and you abruptly left to Calcutta for good in the summer. It frightened me to see the amount of involvement and priority you placed on our friendship, for want of a better word. 

Commitment-phobic, I think, is the word. I can’t handle emotional extravaganzas. It is probably that you cannot experience a relationship fully unless you throw yourself into it. That is true. I can sit with you and listen to you pour your heart out, hug and comfort you, laugh over things and make life just a little bit easier for you. The hitch is that YOU want to step into my inner kinky world, and that I cannot allow. Please don’t start probing into my life. Harsh as it may sound, I’m fine without you and don’t need you to pour my heart out. At some level, you probably don’t need me too. But, again, at some level, you do.

Title – Come Undone by Duran Duran

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. s w a t permalink
    October 12, 2008 5:37 PM

    Su, I was gonna write something like this 2 months ago. But held back.
    Mebbe I’ll do an early ’09 post on the same lines 😉

  2. October 12, 2008 6:11 PM

    Swat –
    You held back? But whyyy! 😦

    And what’s with waiting so long to do the post – 2009?! 😮

  3. October 13, 2008 6:01 PM

    Yeah, I know. You just don’t relate to old stuff later; sometimes I can hardly believe I actually wrote ’em.

    But I do relate to what you’ve just written, maybe coz I passed out of school just last year 🙂

  4. October 13, 2008 9:21 PM

    I was planning on writing a post on the similar lines, as well. Have been chewing the cud, basically – password protected post or not.

  5. October 13, 2008 11:24 PM

    Sharan –
    It’s not that. It’s like I can’t remember where this came from. Like I’ve lost the part of me that wrote this. It’s not entirely a good feeling. 😦

    Niths –
    Whoa. Seems like everybody has a post like this deep down somewhere. Get it out and write it! And if it’s p/w protected, please may I have it? 😛

  6. October 23, 2008 8:53 AM

    I have been planning to write something on such lines, but then I will do it later.

    .
    ..

    😛

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